Someone I know recently commented that another woman was “lucky”—her life was good because her husband was a provider.
Having worked in the field of women’s empowerment, I am deeply aware that Western optics are not always truths. What looks stable on the outside may mask imbalance, exhaustion, or unseen tradeoffs. What applies to one person may not apply to another—even within the same household.
We are all ultimately responsible for ourselves; however, when a person is forced to overfunction in one area, it can deplete the energy needed to thrive in other areas. Like interest on a loan, that imbalance quietly compounds over time, reshaping how we live, relate, and see ourselves—without our conscious awareness.
This simple before-and-after marriage worksheet can be shared with friends and partners alike. It’s not about blame—it’s about awareness. When both spouses do the exercise, it creates space for honest conversation, mutual empathy, and recalibration. Clarity often leads to change—and sometimes, to liberation.
Instructions:
Enter More, Less, or Same next to each item.
“More” = higher, better, improved
“Less” = lower, worse, declined
“Same” = unchanged
AFTER BEING MARRIED my… | |
Home, Lifestyle & Finances… | More, less, or same |
My standard of living | |
My assets | |
My spouse’s assets | |
My savings | |
I feel proud to invite others into my home | |
I drive a nice car | |
My access to healthcare | |
| My access to household wealth | |
Autonomy, Power & Household Dynamics | More, less, or same |
Power to act on major choices about the household | |
I have the freedom to make major decisions about the household | |
Time spent housekeeping for others | |
| Career, Ambition & Professional Identity | More, less, or same |
| My ability to pursue career goals | |
| Time and energy I dedicate to work I care about | |
| Opportunities for growth or advancement | |
| Ability to take risks or change paths professionally | |
| Pride in my professional accomplishments | |
| Relationship Quality & Emotional Connection | More, less, or same |
Time spent playing with significant other | |
My significant other regularly solicits my perspective on meaningful topics | |
My significant other’s friends ask my perspective on meaningful topics (Feeling included/respected socially) | |
Time I spend nurturing a relationship with a significant other’s family | |
Time a significant other spends nurturing a relationship with my family. (Family ties feel reciprocal and supported) | |
Social Life & Intellectual Engagement | More, less, or same |
Number of friends | |
Depth of friendships | |
| Time spent reading for pleasure | |
Time spent exploring new things, events, places locally | |
My time spent traveling | |
Mental & Emotional Health | More, less, or same |
Time spent feeling burnt out | |
Time spent feeling anxious or stressed | |
Time spent ruminating (mentally replaying things) | |
| My feeling of gratitude | |
| My ability to love another—I feel emotionally open and connected | |
Wellbeing & Personal Care | More, less, or same |
My time spent nurturing self | |
My time spent nurturing others | |
I am more or less healthy | |
My time spent watching TV | |
My time spent drinking alcohol |
Now review your responses. Has this shifted how you perceive “lucky” relationships—others’ or your own?
Were there line items that weren’t relevant to you but more important to your spouse? What other items would you include?
This worksheet isn’t about blame or comparison. It’s about cutting through the optics—what others assume, and more importantly, what we tell ourselves.
When we value the intangibles—labor, agency, equity, and equanimity—we evolve as a society towards one that honors the full human experience. When we view our assets in light of our relationship labor, we begin to see where the math doesn’t add up—and where we may have been quietly covering the cost.
Whether shared privately or used as a conversation starter, this isn’t a ledger, or a way to keep tabs on the universe. Rather, it’s a lens. One that helps you see life not through expectation or optics, but through the choices, energies, and values that shape your experience.
